When the Fog Lifts: Meeting Jesus in the Postpartum Wilderness

Before I go on and share my story, I want to make sure you understand what you are getting when you choose to read my posts. I am not going to sugarcoat my life experiences, and I am especially not going to sugarcoat the Word of God (you can take that to the bank). I want this to be a place where you feel welcomed and loved. Your emotions are valid and there’s always a hug (even through the computer) waiting for you. There is always room at my table.

Sooo here it goes…to be completely honest, raw, and real with you the past two years have been some of the hardest years I have every gone through. Within those two years, I defended my dissertation (yes, I am a doctor…but like not a real cut you open and fix you up type of doctor), had my 3^rd baby a week later, went back to work a week after having her (you read that correctly), and then went through postpartum so bad that I had to fight to choose my life every day.

Postpartum is talked about but it’s rarely discussed in the most vulnerable and utterly honest sense. I always knew it was considered the “fourth trimester,” but I never realized that the “fourth trimester” could last for years, yes, I said years.  All moms go through postpartum. For some, there are moments of crying and sadness but overall, they tend to go through it quickly and without incident. For others, like me, it is life changing in the scariest ways possible. The emotions and feelings that go through your mind are so irrational but, in the moment, you are unable to rationalize anything in your life. It's hard and it's lonely.

I crashed November 2023 – 2 months postpartum. I could sense it happening for the weeks leading up to that weekend, but I figured it would go away, and I could push through it – I mean, I was on my 3^rd baby, of course I could handle it – NOT.

It was a Friday morning and while teaching my first class of the day I had a panic attack. I couldn't speak, think, or barely breathe. It was as if everything around me came crashing down and I could not rationalize what was happening. For the next 72 hours I couldn't take care of myself let alone my kids. One of the scariest moments was realizing that I was supposed to love and care for Callyn (my daughter), but I couldn't physically or emotionally help. I’ll never forget sitting on the couch and waiting for my mom to come over while Callyn was in my room crying, but I couldn’t even move 30 feet to go and get her – looking back it just breaks my heart.

For those 3 days, I had to fully depend on my family and friends who dropped everything to help. I've struggled so much with the feelings of inadequacy that I never truly realized how loved I am until I watched my village surround me with support and prayer.

I am forever thankful that I chose to talk to people and get help. Looking back, I praise the Lord for putting the exact counselor I needed in my life. I am so thankful for the Lord's hand in every part of my postpartum journey.

About a week after those gut-wrenching days, I went to my doctor and learned that what I went through was called, postpartum psychosis. It is one of the severest forms of postpartum. According to the National Library of Medicine, it is characterized by, “extreme confusion, loss of touch with reality, paranoia, delusions, disorganized thought processes, and hallucinations.”

In shock after hearing this, the first thing I asked my doctor was how did I come out of it within 72 hours when it can sometimes take weeks? She said that because of the support I had in place I had people to walk through it with me.

My community.

I was told that if I did not have the support, I would have been hospitalized which to be honest I was about to drive myself there and check myself in.

It’s the support that struck me. We are meant to live in community. God designed us to be with each other, to carry each other’s burdens, and to support one another.

Instead of turning to your sisters in Christ and asking them to carry your burdens with you, have you instead, felt like a burden? You then begin to isolate yourself from everyone who loves you and wants to help you and begin believing those lies:

• I am not worthy enough

• No one wants to deal with all my junk

• I am a failure

• Why am I here?

  
  

FRIENDS – this is the biggest bunch of hogwash that I have every heard! These are LIES straight from the devil!!! I don’t know about you, but I am choosing to live in truth. My God is bigger and better and stronger than any lie that I have ever been told or believed, and I am here to say – Not today Satan!

• YOU ARE WORTHY

• WE ARE CALLED TO CARRY EACH OTHERS’ BURDENS

• YOU HAVE VALUE

• YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE GOD IS USING YOU!

  
  

I truly believe that the enemy wants to destroy our homes, our marriages, our children. As moms, we have one of the most precious and special callings. We have the honor, and I would go as far to say the desperation to hit our knees and go into the presence of God and pray protection over our homes, our marriages, our children, AND our minds. We were born for this.

My prayer to you: Lord, I come to you now and I pray over the mama who is in the deep valleys of postpartum. I pray for the mama who feels alone and all she wants is for someone to care for her. I pray Lord, for the mama who is so exhausted, she has no idea how she is going to make it another day. Father, I pray in your name that the lies of the enemy will be destroyed. I pray for our minds and our hearts to be so focused on you that the only thing we can do is trust you. You hear our prayers. You know our hearts. I pray for community for my friends. Lord, I love you so much. Amen